Macovei Anda

I’m terribly sorry and terrified to know that people don’t know how the concept of kindness works anymore. The act of kindness should be something that exists at the core of our being. It should be a standard for us to show acts of kindness. Why am I saying that, I hear more and more people saying things like “if you do this, I’ll make it up to you” or “you are such a wonderful being for helping me with this, how will I be able to repay you”. I get this when I’m doing the bare minimum in a certain situation, people feel like they have to do something that benefits me as well in the means of material things. People shouldn’t feel the need to do such things. It is not a give and take, pay and receive kind of act. No, we are meant to help eachother however we can. No matter how much or how little we have, we should behave like mannered human beings. We shouldn’t feel the need  to “repay” someone for helping us with something as you are not paying for any services. People should do things out of the kindness of their heart, not because they expect something in return. If that’s the mentality you’re going with into a certain situation, please take a step back and rather do nothing at all. You are not helping, you are damaging minds. You are damaging young souls. Rethink the choices you take on a daily, don’t go do things with a blind eye and a clear mind like that. It’s not worth it. Go with the mindset that you want to do a certain thing rather than you need to. The moment you decide you want to do something, things will turn out so much better in both cases. Stop expecting favours in return and erase the need to repay people when they help you with something. It’s not healthy.

Us humans have the tendency to think and analyse situations to the max. In the process of doing that, we risk of hurting ourselves in the process. Why, because most of the times we look at things from our own perspective and neglect the true reality of things. This is related to the habit of holding grudges on people. Having the emotional space and capacity to see only the worst in people, shows a red flag in ourselves. There isn’t good without the bad. They go hand in hand. Focusing on only the worst in  things shows that we are not happy with ourselves either. Everything seems to bother us, even little things as the way someone looks, things they have no power over. We must come in union with how we feel first and try to not be so self-critical or even toxic overall. Speak your truth, but try to be mature about the way you express yourself.

Let your intuition guide you through tough times. Let your inner self, your subconscious take action for a while. The good and the bad must come in union, they must co-exist in order for growth to take place. Don’t allow yourself to dive into the unknown as there’s nothing you can find there other than your own doom. Right now, in this very moment, you are stuck in a loop from which you must try to break free from. You’re stagnating. Allow yourself to make a move. It might feel wrong now, you might not feel like it’s worth the risk, but you never know until you try. Stay true to what you have to say. Your thoughts. Make sense of them.

I always talk about how we are the ones which have the power of control over the way we think, feel and react. What we have no power over is the triggers which make us feel a certain way. You can blame the triggers, but you can’t blame the aftermath. You can’t blame someone for the way you feel, rather you can blame them for triggering your emotions. Whoever is making you feel like you aren’t enough, you must put more work into a connection, you must be the one to bring things to a stable state, please please make sure you abandon that said person or environment overall. You have options to choose from. You are never alone. Stop chasing people whom are not whole, but rather start chasing people who can help you reach your goals. People who know what they want from their lives. Give off the energy you receive and no more or less. Have some respect for yourself.

You won’t be able to realise the damage someone does around themselves until you emotionally detach yourself from them and look at things from an outsiders perspective. No matter how close a person might’ve been to you at one point or another, no matter the amount of good that person had done in your life, you are not obligated to keep them in your circle if they develop a toxic mindset. They might’ve had that kind of mindset developing for longer than you were able to realise, but because you kept them near, it might’ve influenced you the same way. You might’ve had been going through the same process as them. You don’t have to stay where you don’t feel good, you don’t have to accept trash behaviour from anyone. You are not obligated to change anyone and you shouldn’t be allowed to do that. Yes, you can advice people on what they should do about a certain situation, but if they won’t pay attention to the things you have to say, you are not obligated to keep them in your life if your gut tells you otherwise. Listen to your gut, listen to your intuition.

As of lately, I always seem to talk about how I want to put an end to my life, how much I hate my guts and how I can’t understand how people can show so much compassion to this pitiful soul of mine. Yes, I mean the things I say, but up until this very point I didn’t really comprehend the meaning of my own words, the gravity of my own thoughts. The kind of death I wish upon is not a physical one, but a spiritual one. My true identity is struggling to come to life as it being blocked by an empty, lost, porpousless soul. A soul which needed understanding so bad. Now that I’ve made up my mind, I’ve made peace with whatever my brain had been intoxicated by, I’m ready to start anew. I’ve opened up my mind to the possibility of change. The emotions that had taken over me.. That is not me. It should never be as I shall never allow it to. May we rebirth from ashes like the phoenix. I’ll rise above my own misery and I hope anybody else that might be facing such harsh events will be able to follow my example. I’ve been too busy talking over myself to hear what I really ahd to say, I couldn’t register the message I was preaching, I was conveying. This stranger that tried to identify themselves with me, I wish you luck and many thanks for making me realise my worth, but also a sincerely “I hope you get fucked to the core”.

It’s crazy how we give other people second chances, how we forgive them when they’ve hurt us to the point of breaking apart, it’s all in the name of love for the one next to you. The person that belongs by your side will never be able to slip away, no matter the circumstances. You manage to work things out, they always seem to find a way back into your life. With that said, if we are able to do that to others, why does it seem like such a burden on our shoulders to give ourselves the same treatment? Why are we so ruthless with our own beings? How do we expect to mend others while breaking ourselves apart in the process? Why aren’t we able to allow ourselves time? Christ’s sake, we’ve become dependant on what is being told around us, we believe every piece of information we receive about us. Regardless if it might be true or not, if it is being told for long enough, our minds will make sense to it. We shouldn’t do that. We should trust ourselves. Developing that kind of self-healing mindset is difficult as it can be, but not impossible. The moment we start having such thoughts, feeling like we are not enough, it is a sign of losing the connection with our own souls. Ignorance comes into the picture. And most of the time it fights to stay. We must focus on our goals and if those don’t seem to exist, we must clear out the fog in order for them to come back to us. Why back, because they are somewhere out there. Our visions might be blurry, but that storm comes and goes. Everything has a price, all good things come with a certain sacrifice. All good things take time. Forgive the person you are right now in order to shine a bright light on the one that’s supposed to come. You are not what you are feeling. You are what you want yourself to be.

If you find yourself in a space of despair and you feel like there’s no way out of that void, try and look around you. It might seem like you can’t see past your own universe which your mind had created and detailed it in a way in which even your own life might be at stake, but try and make that effort. It is going to be the hardest thing, I’m not going to lie to you, I’m well aware, but you must fight and go past your own limitations in order to create something beautiful. You are beautiful. Your soul is one of a kind. You have potential. Allow people to come into your life and tell you such words. The world is a disgusting and a twisted thing only if you allow yourself to believe that. There is so much more to that, more than you can even think of. It is possible to wish for something better. It should be possible. Make it possible.

A person who thinks all the time is stuck in thought. Being stuck in thought means disconnecting yourself from the outer world in order to experience your emotions at their full potential. Such an experience can be both damaging, toxic, but also gives you the opportunity to flourish, meditate in order to rationalise, put your ideas and thoughts in order. This term “thought” is such a complex concept on its own. When you are lost in thought, you are lost in your own world, you are alone with your own perceptions about life and you embrace what you already know. You are alone in your own world. Can we drive ourselves inyo madness? Absolutely. Can we control that? Absolutely not. Is it okay? No. What is okay? Fuck knows. We are only puppets who fulfill the role we were assigned by the universe.

I have gotten to a point in life where I can say that I am not afraid of death anymore. I am not afraid to do things I want to anymore. The beliefs that have been buried deep down inside me in my childhood seem to fade and I seem to realise the things that are good for me and what actually makes me happy. The tags that I have been made to believe in slowly seem to fade and with them my low self-esteem, my doubts about myself.. Everything. The world is not a cruel thing, but rather the place in which you are in has influenced you to think in that way. The moment you get out of that toxic place, you start to see the world with different eyes. You can’t really get to that realisation on your own though.. Make sure you have the right people around you. Also, remember: you are never alone in your pain. It might seem like you are due to the intensity of your emotions, but you can manage to tone them down only if you allow yourself to. Take things one at a time, it’s okay. We’re all hurting in some way or another, it’s just that some choose not to show it. Give yourself time to heal. It’s okay… Or if not, you’ll make it okay somehow. Trust yourself.